


orange peels

by Setkia



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 1st Years in Second Year, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Established Relationship, M/M, Strange Love Confessions, Tsukishima Is Trying, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Unhealthy Relationships, Yamaguchi is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 14:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13102077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setkia/pseuds/Setkia
Summary: “Don’t make this weird.”“I’m not.”“You are.”“Am not.”Tsuuki turns away. “Tch.”He’s just kissed Tsukishima Kei.Holy volleyballs.





	orange peels

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Myqueenmarceline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myqueenmarceline/gifts).



> This was supposed to be a fluff piece and it turned into this. Yes, Tsukishima is an asshole. Yes, Yamaguchi could do better, but it kinda ended up as a character study? I'm proud of it, after my terrible TsukiYama story I wrote last year for Yamaguchi's birthday. I think I kept them pretty in character.

In two days, it will be three months since Tadashi has been going out with Tsukishima Kei.

He wonders vaguely if Tsuuki thinks about those types of things.

It hadn’t been one of those confessions that are in the shōjo that Tadashi has studied way too much. 

He had thought about modelling his confession after those types, because it always seemed to work for the heroine.

The problem with shōjo confessions is that they are always planned in advance, with the perfect atmosphere and setting and the perfect words chosen. Tadashi never knows when the atmosphere is right, or when he’s in the right place, or how to make his tongue cooperate with him.

Tadashi’s confession was blurted out, unplanned, unintended and more importantly, not meant for Tsuuki's ears. He supposes that on that day, the blond had been between songs when the quiet “I like you” had slipped through his lips, testing out how it would feel to say. 

Tadashi attempted to babble the confession away, but Tsuuki wouldn’t have it.

_“What do you mean?” he asked._

_“W-what do you mean what do I mean?”_

_“When you say you like me, what does that mean?”_

_Tsuuki’s face was even more expressionless than usual. The subtle changes that Tadashi used to understand his moods were nowhere to be found._

_“I—”_

_“Do you mean romantically?”_

_Tadashi gulped, swallowing a lump in his throat._

_Tsuuki didn’t press, just waited. It felt like his eyes were seeing into Tadashi’s soul._

_“Y-yes …”_

_Tadashi shut his eyes, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Tsuuki to tease him, or shrug him off, or reject him, or anything other than what he did._

_“Okay.”_

_“Okay?” Tadashi echoed._

_“Okay.”_

And that had been that.

Now it’s been nearly three months and to be honest, nothing’s really changed.

Every morning, Tsuuki comes to Tadashi’s house and interrupts breakfast. He says a polite “I’m home” (which, Tadashi doesn’t understand because it’s not like his house is the Tsukishima household), which is more of an afterthought, and takes a seat at the table. He tells Tadashi to hurry up his breakfast if he doesn’t want to be late for practice, and then they walk together to school.

They don’t hold hands, they don’t walk closer than before and they certainly don’t kiss.

Practice happens.

They do drills, they run, they jump, they serve, they block, they dive for the ball.

They go back to class when it’s over and sit down in their usual seats.

Lunchtime comes around. 

They go to the roof, sit down and eat. Tsuuki listens to music the whole time, and sometimes Tadashi will turn and catch him looking at him, but then Tsuuki tells him to hurry up and eat faster before Shrimpy turns up and demands they get their asses back into the gym. 

They spend the rest of lunch in the gym, practicing some more.

At the end of the school day, they’re back in the gym, practicing again.

When it’s over, they walk home together.

There are the occasional changes, when they have a test, or when they take too long eating and Hinata shows up, demanding they get into the gym _right now_ because otherwise, Ennoshita is going to be mad and he’ll send Tanaka to whip them all into shape.

But it’s routine.

It’s no different from what they’ve always done.

The only change is that now, Tadashi can call Tsuuki his boyfriend.

Except it doesn’t feel that way.

It’s been nearly three months. 

Tadashi doesn’t like to rush things and he understands that Tsuuki is not your typical boyfriend, but still … he had been hoping _something_ would be different. Maybe not something like kissing, because the thought of kissing Tsuuki terrifies him (in one of those pleasant ways that he just knows he’ll never get the nerve to do), but smaller things. The subtle kind of things he expects from Tsuuki.

He wasn’t expecting hand-holding. He was thinking maybe Tsuuki would let him listen to his music, just a little closer to him than usual.

He wasn’t expecting hugs all the time. Maybe Tsuuki would talk to him on their walk to or from school, instead of blocking him out with his headphones.

He wasn’t expecting date nights, but he was thinking maybe they’d have more study sessions together where they would just talk instead of study.

He wasn’t expecting flowers (he’s allergic to them anyway) but maybe Tsuuki would let him sleep over at his house for the first time since Akiteru “betrayed him” (he’s surprisingly dramatic for a boy who likes to pretend nothing bothers him).

He wasn’t expecting praises from Tsuuki, but maybe he’d say something other than “shut up, Yamaguchi”.

Can they even call this dating? Are they even dating?

He’s asked on numerous occasions, just to make sure.

Every time, Tsuuki turns to him and raises an eyebrow. “Would you rather we not?” is what he always asks.

* * *

During break time at practice, Hinata bounces over to him while he’s sitting down, taking a drink.

“Hey, it’s your anniversary soon, isn’t it?”

Tadashi wonders if Tsuuki even remembers.

“Yeah.”

Hinata tilts his head. “You don’t look all that excited.”

Tadashi hates it when Hinata gets all perceptive.

“I am,” he says. “Just …”

“Stingyshima is a shitty boyfriend, right?”

Tadashi frowns. “Don’t call him that.”

“But that’s what he is! He’s so … _stingy_.” Hinata wrinkles his nose. “I don’t get it. You’re his best friend. Kind of his _only_ friend. Isn’t he going to screw the whole thing up this way?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, sure, you’re dating him, but you have to get sick of his attitude, right?” The orange haired teen blinks. “Do you not find his personality off-putting?”

Tsuuki _does_ have an off-putting personality, but Tadashi understands why. He watches the blond out of the corner of his eye, watches as he pushes Kageyama away from him and polishes his glasses on his sweater. 

“He has his reasons.”

“That doesn’t excuse him.”

Tadashi is starting to get annoyed. “Shouldn’t you focus on your own asshole?”

Hinata blinks. “My what?”

“Kageyama?”

“What about Kageyama?”

Tadashi wonders if Tsuuki is right. Maybe Hinata really _is_ too stupid to live.

He stands up and walks away, grabbing a ball on his way to the court. He has to practice his floater, make sure it gets better. 

It’s not that Hinata is annoying, though he can agree with Tsuuki that Hinata _is_ overwhelming. It’s that Hinata has pointed out all the flaws that Tadashi sees in his relationship with Tsuuki and he hates it. 

If a complete idiot like Hinata can see that there’s a problem between the two of them, then Tadashi can’t be imagining things when he thinks Tsuuki walks a bit farther from him on their way home. 

He really _is_ avoiding him.

* * *

The anniversary passes.

Tsuuki doesn’t give him anything.

The present Tadashi bought stays in his bag the whole day. 

If Tsuuki doesn’t bother to remember, Tadashi will pretend he’s forgotten.

* * *

“Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi turns to Ennoshita at the sound of his name. He rarely ever gets called out, mainly because he’s never on the court. He goes over to the captain.

“Is something wrong?”

“I was going to ask you that,” says Ennoshita. “You seem … tense.”

“Sorry—”

“I’m not Tsukishima, you don’t have to apologize for everything,” Ennoshita cuts him off. “But is something going on with you and him?”

“Is it affecting my game?”

“No,” says Ennoshita and Tadashi thinks he’s lying. “You’re actually doing better. Tsukishima is … he’s lagging.”

Tadashi frowns. “What?”

Ennoshita rubs his neck. “I don’t think it’s my place to say these things, but you know I don’t approve of relationships between team members. I know it worked for Suga and Daichi last year, but I don’t know … I was hesitant about you and Tsukishima. Especially given how … _unpredictable_ he can be. I thought if the team suffered from this change, then I’d have to talk to you guys about it, but … Tsukishima played _better_.”

Tadashi doesn’t know what to say. Has he been playing better? He hasn’t noticed.

“But now he’s not paying enough attention. His read-blocks are slow, and he’s not jumping on time. He’s the best middle blocker we have. We can’t do it without him, so … it’s a bit strange to ask this of you, but please make it up to Tsukishima! We can’t expect to win any games this way, and you seem to make things better.”

 _Tadashi_? Make things better?

He’s started to think he’s more of a nuisance to Tsuuki.

“Ah … okay.”

* * *

“Ennoshita-san says you were off at practice today.”

Tsuuki’s finger pauses over the play button of his headphones. “Was I?”

Tadashi doesn’t like confrontation. He especially doesn’t like confrontation with Tsuuki.

“Yeah …”

“Oh.”

“Yeah …”

“I’ll be better next time.”

“Okay.”

The atmosphere between them is thick and awkward.

Tadashi hates it.

* * *

Tadashi pays attention to Tsuuki at the next practice.

He’s still off his game.

He’s doing even worse.

He can see it now, the way Tsuuki’s eyes are flittering around the court. He’s not focusing on any one thing, but he’s not scanning for anything either. He looks like he’s trapped. If it were anyone other than Tsukishima Kei, he’d say he was trying to find a way to slip through the bars on the window and run out.

Ennoshita is giving him a look that says “fix this”.

Tadashi would, if he had any idea how.

* * *

“We’re dating, right?”

Tsuuki turns to him and raises an eyebrow. He licks his lips, which is something new, but the weather is getting cold, so he supposes it’s okay. Tsuuki’s lips are always chapped when the temperature drops. 

“Yamaguchi …”

Tadashi’s breath catches in his throat.

This is different. He can tell it is. The way Tsuuki is looking at him, _actually looking at him_ , and it’s not a glare, and he’s not analyzing him, he’s seeing him, almost as if he’s seeing him for the first time ever. His fingers are playing with the chord of the headphones, and they must be getting cold. He wants to tell Tsuuki to forget about it, just so he won’t freeze, but he feels this is a moment that’s too important to interrupt.

“Shut up.”

_Ah._

_False alarm._

Tadashi doesn’t know what he’s hoping for anymore.

* * *

Tsuuki comes over to Tadashi’s house almost every day. They do homework, or they play volleyball.

“Can Tsuuki stay for dinner?”

Tadashi’s mother’s eyes widen. “I don’t understand why you keep asking, you know he’s always welcome.”

Tadashi nods.

He likes to ask, just to be sure.

He goes back up and tells Tsuuki that he’s been given permission to stay. Tsuuki scoffs.

“Obviously.”

Tadashi wishes he wouldn’t say it like that. It always makes him feel stupid.

* * *

Tadashi can’t help wondering if Tsuuki even likes him at all. 

It was _him_ who confessed after all and Tsuuki has just kind of gone along with it all this time. It feels like he’s been carrying this relationship one-sidedly this whole time and he wonders if maybe he should just cut if off before it gets too much for him and he really _does_ get hurt.

He’s distracted in class, wondering if he could ever get the words out, to undo this “relationship”. This pseudo-relationship is worse than before, especially because now Tsuuki _knows_ how he feels and still this is the way things are.

There’s a weight in his hand.

Looking down, he sees Tsuuki’s pale hand in his, their fingers intertwined.

_What’s happening?_

Tadashi remembers near the beginning of their second week of “dating”, he had asked Tsuuki to hold hands with him on their way to school. Tsuuki had told him no. When he asked why, his answer had been “it’s embarrassing”. 

It _is_ embarrassing and he’s kind of glad Tsuuki had said no back then.

But it’s an embarrassment he’ll take in stride because Tsuuki has pianist fingers and they feel wonderful against his palm, with his too-bitten nails.

* * *

“Thank you.”

Tadashi frowns. “For what?”

“Tsukishima's game has improved considerably,” says Ennoshita.

* * *

They go on like that for a while. 

They hold hands on the occasion (very rarely) and Tadashi knows that someone his age might feel embarrassed that he hasn’t kissed anyone yet, but he’s holding out for Tsuuki and if this is the pace he has to go at, he’ll do it because it’s _Tsuuki_.

During lunch, he taps Tsuuki in the shoulder.

Tsuuki hates it when you interrupt him when he’s listening to music.

He lowers his headphones without a word though. 

“What do you say to the girls?” he asks.

“The girls?” Tsuuki echoes.

“The ones who confess to you.”

Tsuuki looks at him. “There are no girls.”

“What?”

Tsuuki shrugs. “They stopped approaching me three weeks ago. All the better, they were annoying.”

Tadashi thinks about all the girls who approached him to give him a confessions for Tsuuki. He hasn’t received one in a long time. He knows Tsuuki doesn’t like it when girls bring their confessions to Tadashi, (“if they like me so much, they should be able to say it to my face”). 

“I wonder why …”

“Why do you think?” 

Tadashi has no idea.

* * *

At five months, Tadashi decides to do something daring.

“Tsuuki?”

The blond tilts his head slightly.

He's heard him.

“I uh … I was wondering … c-can I … could I k-kiss you?”

He shuts his eyes tightly because he doesn’t want to see the disgust on Tsuuki’s face at his request. He was daring and now he regrets it. So much. He wants to shove the words back into his mouth—

“Are you going to kiss me with your eyes closed?”

Wait. _What?_

“I …”

“Look at me, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi slowly cracks open an eyelid. He doesn’t trust himself to speak and he knows his fingers are fidgeting. He fidgets a lot when he’s nervous. 

Tsuuki is giving him an annoyed look. 

“I’m waiting.”

“For what?” Tadashi’s voice sounds small.

“For you to kiss me.”

Tadashi balks.

“I … I can?”

“You asked.”

Tadashi still can’t wrap his head around it. Tsuuki’s going to let him kiss him? _Him?_ After so many months of tentative hand holding? They aren’t even at the hugging stage. Tsuuki has never initiated hand-holding since, it’s always been Tadashi, and even then, sometimes Tsuuki rejects it. Tsuuki won’t touch him otherwise. He acts like he’s repulsed by his skin. 

“O-okay.”

Tadashi’s fingers are trembling and he feels like maybe he should’ve thought this through more, but he wasn’t expecting Tsuuki to _agree_. Now he’s sitting across from Tsuuki in his bedroom and he can barely catch his breath and did he even brush his teeth this morning? 

Tsuuki stares at him, golden eyes as intense as ever.

“Close your eyes.”

“No.”

“Why not?” It almost sounds like a whine.

“Because.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi swallows down his nerves (he should get an award for that, it was very hard to do) and he leans over the table. His hand slips on a loose piece of math paper. Tsuuki doesn’t move to stop his head from colliding with the table.

But he doesn’t snicker either.

He waits as Tadashi gets himself collected again. The pinch server moves from his side of the table to Tsuuki’s, so he’s next to him. The blond's eyes follow his every move. It’s like he isn’t even blinking.

“Do you have to stare?”

“Yes.”

“But why?”

“Because.”

Tadashi sits on his knees and with trembling fingers, he reaches out—

“Don’t do that.”

His hands freeze.

“Don’t do what?”

“You were going to cradle my head.”

“No I wasn’t.”

He was.

“Don’t do it. I’m not a girl.”

“I know that, Tsuuki.”

Tadashi is worrying his bottom lip too much. He thinks it might bleed. 

Tsuuki doesn’t say anything. 

Are kisses always this nerve wracking?

He leans forward, his eyes shut tightly, and then—

The moment their lips collide, his mind doesn’t go blank. He really thought it would, but instead it’s the exact opposite. He can’t _stop_ thinking. 

_What do I do with my hands? Tsuuki’s lips are kind of soft. And dry. I don’t know what to do with my mouth. His glasses are hitting my nose weirdly, I think I’m going to pass out. What if I’m doing this wrong? Has Tsuuki kissed anyone before? He’d tell me if he had, right? Right? Wait—_

And then it’s over.

Tsuuki is covering his mouth with his sleeve.

“Um …”

“Don’t make this weird.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Am not.”

Tsuuki turns away. “Tch.”

He’s just kissed Tsukishima Kei.

_Holy volleyballs._

“D-did you like it?”

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Oh.”

It was terrible. 

They get called down for dinner and Tadashi panics because he forgot about the time and he hasn’t asked but there’s already an extra seat prepared. 

Akiteru asks Tsuuki how volleyball is going. Tsuuki ignores him.

* * *

Life goes on.

They don’t kiss again.

Tsuuki acts like he’s allergic to Tadashi for the next two weeks.

* * *

“Hey, is Tadashi sleeping over?”

Tadashi feels weird hearing Akiteru call him by his first name. Because if anyone should call him by his first name, it should be Tsuuki. They've known each other longer, they’ve been friends longer. And yet he’s never, not once, called him Tadashi.

“I’m staying at Yamaguchi’s.”

They leave.

Tsuuki slams the door a little too loudly.

As they walk to the Yamaguchis’, Tadashi can’t help but wonder about Tsuuki.

Kei.

His name is Kei.

It’s a letter.

He’s said K before. Why can’t he say Kei?

It wouldn’t be that weird. 

He’s known him since almost forever. 

He shouldn’t be scared to call Tsuuki by his first name.

“K …”

The word won’t leave his lips. 

Tsuuki turns to him.

“K?”

“K … Katsudon.”

Well.

That was a disaster.

Tsuuki rolls his eyes at him. “Are you still hungry?”

Tadashi thinks he’s not ready to say Kei quite yet.

* * *

“Yamaguchi-senpai, I like you!”

Tadashi doesn’t know what to do with this.

He’s not used to getting confessions. It’s always Tsuuki who gets them.

“I …”

“I know you’re dating someone!” says the girl quickly. “It’s just … ah, this is stupid of me …”

Tadashi frowns. “You know?” Because Tsuuki had been _very_ insistent that only a select people should know that they’re dating. He didn’t want people annoying him about it, so they told the volleyball club and their parents and that was all that mattered. “Who told you?”

“Tsukishima-senpai.”

_Wait. What?_

“Why?”

“I uh …” the girl is playing with her fingers. Tadashi wants to put his hands over hers, because watching her fidget is making him want to fidget and he doesn’t want to, not right now, not when he has to meet Tsuuki soon. He’ll ask what happened, and Tadashi doesn’t know what he’ll say.

The bell saves him.

“Sorry, I have practice.”

The girl bows awkwardly and nods, running away.

Tsuuki asks him what happened anyway.

“I … I think I got confessed to.”

Tsuuki clicks his tongue. 

_Does that mean he’s jealous?_

Tsuuki has never shown any signs of possessiveness, or maybe Tadashi has just never noticed them. Tsuuki is very subtle about these types of things and while he likes to think he knows him very well, sometimes he looks at Tsuuki and has no idea who the blond is.

Tsuuki’s holding a brown paper bag.

“What’s in there?”

He hands it over.

When Tadashi opens it, he sees soggy curly fries.

“Thanks, Tsuuki!”

The middle blocker turns his head away. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

* * *

It’s been a year.

He wonders if Tsuuki remembers.

Tadashi remembers every anniversary and he has a gift for each of them. 

He hasn’t given Tsuuki any of them.

When Tsuuki picks him up in the morning, he doesn’t listen to music on the way to school. 

Tadashi will accept what he can get.

* * *

Tadashi knows he’s more invested in the relationship than Tsuuki is. Same way he was the only one of the two who was invested in volleyball at the beginning. He doesn’t want Tsuuki to know, because then he’ll feel bad, or he’ll think he’s needy.

When Hinata announces that he’s dating Kageyama, Tsuuki rolls his eyes.

“About time,” is all he says.

Hinata starts to come to Tadashi more often about his worries concerning his boyfriend.

Tadashi hates to admit it, but Kageyama is a better boyfriend than Tsuuki.

He’s trying.

Tsuuki just doesn’t care.

* * *

When he’s told that he’ll be the captain, Tsuuki kisses him.

It’s their second kiss.

* * *

When he goes to Tsuuki’s house to surprise him for his birthday, he hears his name.

“So … you’re still with Tadashi.” It’s Akiteru.

“So?”

“So I’m impressed,” says Akiteru. “You’ve kept him around this long?”

There’s silence.

“Kei?”

“What?”

“You … I know I shouldn’t say it, but you … don’t you think you could treat him better? He’s your _boyfriend_. It’s almost like nothing’s changed at all. Does it even feel like dating?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’ll be over soon.”

Tadashi runs home.

* * *

“We should break up.”

_At least look a little upset._

Tsuuki nods. “Okay.”

“T-that’s it?” Tadashi says.

“What’s it?”

“It’s over?”

“It’s what you want, isn’t it?”

No. It’s not what Tadashi wants.

Tadashi wants so many things.

He wants Tsuuki to look at him. He wants to kiss him. He wants to talk to him more, he wants to be able to hear Tsuuki’s music alongside him. He wants the big things, like sex with him, and the little things like leaning on his shoulder during movies. He wants the cliché, and he wants the untraditional and he wants it all with _Tsukishima Kei._

But Tsuuki doesn’t want that.

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

The same way the relationship began, it ends.

* * *

After the break up, Tsuuki acts like normal.

Tadashi doesn’t know what Ennoshita was talking about, about making Tsuuki better. It’s like nothing’s changed. Whereas Tadashi goes home with Tsuuki and feels like he’s stepping on needles the whole time, Tsuuki looks as unbothered as ever.

Tadashi tries to spend less time with him, to help him get over it.

A year is a long time to have a one-sided relationship.

It’s going to take him a while.

* * *

When Tadashi goes over to the Tsuuki’s four months later, he’s over him.

Or so he tells himself.

But when Tsuuki doesn’t wait by the door to walk him home, it hurts.

He wants him back.

And he knows he _shouldn’t_ , because Tsuuki really is a shitty boyfriend. The absolute _worst_ , and they could’ve been better and Tadashi can count on a single hand how many times they’ve kissed, and it shouldn’t hurt this much because he should want _better things for himself_ because he knows he’s worth more than this, than how Tsuuki treats him.

But he still hesitates at the door and turns back.

“So it’s really over between you two?” 

It’s Akiteru again.

Silence.

“You’re quiet.”

More silence.

“I expected more of a tantrum.”

“You’re not getting one.”

“Ah, he speaks!” Akiteru’s laugh is hollow. “You don’t seem that broken up about it.”

“I’m not. It was going to happen eventually.”

Tadashi doesn’t stay after that.

Fuck Tsuuki.

He’s better without him.

* * *

It’s better this way.

That’s what Kei tells himself when he doesn’t get a text from Yamaguchi.

It’s what he tells himself when he doesn’t come to collect him for lunch.

It’s what he tells himself when he walks home alone.

It’s _better_ this way.

He knows Yamaguchi heard that night.

He was _supposed_ to hear.

Because Kei knows that Yamaguchi isn’t over him, but he needs to be. Because _Kei isn’t good for him._

Pushing him away, creating the distance between them hurts. He knew he’d have to do it, he knew Yamaguchi would eventually grow a backbone and decide he was through with Kei’s shit, he _knew he would break up with him_. 

He planned it.

He _wanted_ it.

It doesn’t hurt any less.

Because this would be so much easier if he wasn’t so in love with him.

Kei knows he’s poison.

He’s the child that no one likes. He’s always been that way. He’s never been able to communicate properly and he doesn’t have a way with words and he always says the wrong thing and then pretends it’s what he actually meant to say. 

He doesn’t know how Yamaguchi put up with his shit for so long.

The moment he saw Yamaguchi, being bullied by those assholes, it hit him.

_Ah. This is a pure one._

_Don’t touch it._

But he did.

And he kept his eyes open that first kiss because he didn’t expect another. He was terrible because he knows he’d be a terrible boyfriend, even if he tried, and he doesn’t want to watch the wonder in Yamaguchi’s eyes when he looks at him fade. He doesn’t want to watch as Yamaguchi comes to his senses about Kei, for him to know he was _wrong_ about him because _Kei can’t be saved._

So he bites and he barks and he tries to scare him off.

He hates himself every time he does it.

But it works.

And now Yamaguchi is living his life just fine without Kei.

It doesn’t matter that Kei feels like a dead man every morning he wakes up. 

It doesn’t matter that the volleyball team is distancing itself from him.

It doesn’t matter that he’s chased away the only thing in his life that made it worth living.

It doesn’t matter that he feels numb as he goes through the motions of his life.

It doesn’t matter that there are scars on his too pale skin.

What matters is _Yamaguchi_.

Kei was always headed for hell; for a lonely existence.

He’s just saved Yamaguchi from sharing the same fate.

And it hurts. Hurts _so much_ , because he got a taste, a taste of that beautiful, shining boy who is probably an angel, and with each passing day he _knew_ it was all the more reason to be kept far away from him. 

The more he discovered the new sides of Yamaguchi as he put up with Kei, the more he knew he really didn’t deserve him.

Kei could never be what Yamaguchi wants. What he needs. Because Kei can try as best as he can and the only solution he can think of for his problem is to ruin it. Because it’s better for him this way, for him to protect himself from heartbreak.

It hasn’t worked out that way. His chest still feels hollow.

Because he was selfish, he got his taste. And because he was selfish, he watched as Yamaguchi lost steam, watched as he floundered and yet still smiled at him every day, as if what Kei did _didn’t_ hurt him, when he knew it did because _he had planned it all_. 

So now, for him, he’s going to be selfless. Because it’s what Yamaguchi deserves.

The man on the moon has no friends. 

* * *

They’re trying to decide on which university to go to when Yamaguchi turns to Kei.

Kei knows he’ll be going to someplace far away from Yamaguchi. To cut that final connection. Because they’ve been going on more or less as they always have, and they’ve fallen into step, into a routine that’s less than they were at the beginning, and more like the distance he put between them when they dated.

He needs the distance to cut off Yamaguchi because he can’t do it himself. 

He’s not strong enough. 

“Did you ever like me?”

_No. Don’t ask me that._

“When?”

He knows when.

“During that year.”

He uses his go to answer.

“Shut up—”

“No.”

Kei stares.

“You’re not telling me to shut up, not this time. I’m done with that, Tsuuki.”

Kei misses hearing his childhood nickname from those lips. The lips he kissed. That was a mistake of his. It’s impossible to forget it. He can feel the ghost of his lips against his every time he lies in bed, and he’s disappointed in himself that in the few times they kissed, he never dared to use his tongue, but maybe it’s for the better because he knows he’d get addicted too easily to it.

“I’ve been thinking about it over and over and I just … did you just humour me? Was it fun? Laughing at me? At how stupidly in love with you I was?”

Kei’s breath catches in his throat.

_In love?_

Yamaguchi Tadashi had been in love with him?

_And now you went and fucked that up._

_It’s better this way._

He can’t convince himself.

“I …”

“You were always so distant. Were you doing it so that I wouldn’t feel bad? It felt like a year of you _tolerating_ me. You were so much harder to reach, so much more reserved—”

“Choose a university, Yamaguchi.”

Kei can’t do this. Not right now. Not ever.

“But—”

“No. We’re _not_ having this conversation.”

“I just want to know. Did I ever mean _anything_ to you? _At all_?”

He sounds so broken.

The dam breaks.

“You peel my oranges.”

“W-what?”

“ _I said_ , you peel my oranges.”

“W-what does that have to do with anything?”

“You drink your coffee iced and you like one large marshmallow in your hot chocolate. You’re always messy after you eat smores. You break the aglet off your laces. You helped me put up glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling when we were nine. You ask if you can stay over for dinner, even though my mother always prepares an extra serving when I tell her you’re coming. You call— _called_ me Tsuuki. You’re allergic to flowers. You drool in your sleep. You believe in horoscopes. You avoid stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. You can skip double dutch.” 

It’s all the things he said he’d never say but the way Yamaguchi is looking at him _breaks him_ , so he forces his pride aside and he speaks and his voice feels hoarse because he never speaks this much at once.

“You get a lot of confessions. I threw them away. You always got excited when Yachi asked for help. I thought you liked her. You keep extra batteries on you in case I feel like listening to my crappy Walkman. Your freckles are like constellations. You know random dinosaur facts. You watch documentaries with me and you _always_ fall asleep on my shoulder.

“Akiteru calls you Tadashi. I hate it. 

“I treated you like shit. And I know it. You can’t make any excuses for the way I was. I was a shit boyfriend. I never intended on being a good one. I always planned on us breaking up. Counted on it. I never expected to stay with you for as long as I did. I never expected you to stay _with me_ as long as you did. I planned on you leaving me. I planned on spending the rest of my life with you, and you deciding you couldn’t handle me anymore. I _expected_ it.

“I planned for pain, for when you left me. I thought about it a lot. Braced myself every day for when you would turn to me and tell me no. I thought I was prepared.”

“Tsuuki—”

“I wasn’t.”

Yamaguchi chokes on air.

“I could never be. Not when it’s _you_ , Tadashi.”

There’s silence. It’s too quiet. He can’t take the silence, the deafening quiet is the only answer he needs from Yamaguchi.

Kei can’t do this.

He stands up, ready to leave when Yamaguchi holds onto his arm.

“You hurt me.”

“I know.”

“I shouldn’t forgive you.”

“Don’t.”

“I lied. I never fell out of love with you.”

Kei freezes.

“I’m bad for you.”

“I know.”

_Why is he coming closer?_

“I’m going to hurt you again.”

“I’ll heal.”

“I’m a shitty boyfriend.”

“I don’t care.”

“You should.”

“Tsuuki?”

His breath is on his face now. 

Kei can’t breathe.

“Shut up.”

Kei doesn’t know how he went so long without kissing him again. He remembers the first two weeks he had to sit on his hands to stop himself from reaching out, but now he can’t stop himself, and he’s tugging at Yamaguchi’s shirt and the fabric wrinkles underneath his fingers and he can’t think straight, not like this, he can never think properly around Yamaguchi.

When they part, his breathing is ragged and his eyes are closed.

“I’m not perfect.”

“Of course not, you’re Tsuuki.”

“I’m going to be shit at this.”

“That’s okay.”

“You shouldn’t have to take it.”

“What if I want to?”

“You’re insane.”

Kei opens his eyes and feels rather than sees Yamaguchi shrug. 

_He’s so close._

“Perhaps. It’s not like you’re all there in the head.”

“I—”

“Stop thinking of excuses. You taught me well, Tsuuki. Every time you told me to shut up, I was thinking. I’ve learnt to think on my own. And I’ve done the whole living apart from you, pretending you aren’t my best friend. And it _sucks_. I don’t want to do that again.”

“You could do better.”

“So could you.”

Kei looks him in the eyes. Gold meets brown. “Never.”

Yamaguchi laughs. “You’re better at this already.”

“I’m going to fuck up.”

“So will I.”

“Not as spectacularly as I will.”

“Is this going to be a competition?”

Yamaguchi’s gaze is steady. He’s not backing down. He’s become so strong. Kei can’t push him around anymore. He can’t push him _away_ anymore.

“I won’t remember anniversaries.”

“You never did before.”

“I’m not going to make this easy for you.”

“You never do.”

He’s running out of excuses. He’s tired of them.

“You’ll come to hate me.”

“So I’ll hate you. But I’ll love you twice as much as I hate you.”

“You make it sound so _easy_.”

“Relationships aren’t nearly as hard as you made ours,” says Yamaguchi. “You’d be surprised how nicely they work when you’re not trying to sabotage it.”

Kei doesn’t know what’s going to happen.

He doesn’t know if he’ll be better this time around, or if Yamaguchi is finally going to decide he’s not worth it, but he’s tired of trying to ruin everything that’s beautiful in his life and so if it’s going to hurt later, he’s going to make the moment worth it. 

When Yamaguchi leaves him, he’s going to make the pain worth it, without any “what ifs” and “should haves”, because he’s going to start _trying_ _now_ and he knows he’s going to mess up and he won’t do it right and they’ll get mad at each other and slam doors a lot and yell and force the other to sleep on the couch, but it’s going to be so _worth it._

Because it’s always worth it with Yamaguchi.

And maybe he can become worthy of him.

“Okay.”


End file.
